Monthly Archives: January 2016

The Great Child Conundrum

Everyone I know is having babies right now. A lot of them are having their second child, it seems we’ve hit that age where it’s time for baby #2. But here’s the thing, I’m not ready. Maybe I should be and maybe there’s something wrong with me that I don’t immediately want to chase another person around the house right now, but I don’t. And not to say anything against those that do, because I think it’s great and I admire their courage – I often wonder why I’m not more like them. My best friend once asked me why I wanted to have kids (before I had the one I have now) and I couldn’t provide a definitive answer. It wasn’t because “everyone else was doing it” and with my first, I wasn’t worried about the time line because I hadn’t yet turned 30 – so what was the rush? I guess the sappy answer is that I wanted to share the love I had with my husband and learn what it would be like to raise a child together.

Little did I know in my blissful ignorance how challenging it can be – and I’m not even a single parent ( I seriously do NOT know how those guys do it. I think about that all the time). My husband is a great father and an extremely supportive partner, but even still having a child is hard. Tantrums and tears, sleepless nights that you have to drag yourself out of bed the next day and attempt to function like a normal human all day at work, come home and take care of them all over again. But that said, there’s obviously good stuff too. Love and hugs and seeing my daughter running and laughing, the joy on her face when she learns to do something new, all of those moment are amazing.

Lately a lot of people have been asking me when I’m going to have another child. Not even if, when. With statements like “you don’t want them to be a lonely child, do you?” I’d never even heard that term before. I don’t know why it matters so much to other people whether I have another baby or not, I mean hey, we make super cute kids and all – but there’s so much more to consider. I know it’s not even remotely the same, every day my dog looks at me with sad eyes that riddle me with guilt. I don’t have the time to cuddle with her as I used to, so how could I possibly split my time again and fairly to another baby?

I know people do it all the time, and you find a way because you have to, etc but to me, having another baby at this point in time seems unimaginable. There’s also the financial aspect, I often feel like we hardly have enough money to live (and I have new uncertainty in the job marker) and we only just stopped buying diapers thanks to our newly potty trained daughter. How could we have another child and be financially responsible to the family we have right now?

Also, selfishly, I think about free time. I have so little of it now, between birthday parties, play dates and visiting family. And with a 2:1 ratio, when one parent needs a break, the other can step in – but we’d be 1:1 with another kid. Then there’s there ‘close in age’ debate and having them be too far apart in age is considered a bad thing. I know it sounds like I don’t want another baby and why bother talking about it in the first place? But oddly enough, deep down – I think I do, someday. I guess it’s ok not to right now but as I get older, it will be time to decide soon. I’d love for my daughter to have a sibling to bond with, but I don’t want that to be the only reason to have another child. Sometimes it feels so hard to know what’s right.

Work in Progress

When I was a kid, I assumed as an adult you got a job and that was your job until retirement. The end. I guess it’s because that’s what my parents did, I think my mom changed jobs once and my Dad not at all in the last 32 years. I know this isn’t true of everyone, but it was the example I was used to. Now that I daresay I’m an adult as well, there’s more uncertainty in the work force than ever before. Hell, even Wal-Mart is closing stores and cutting jobs, I never thought that would happen.

But television/media in particular has faced many changes in recent years. Not only with the growing trend of streaming and the unyielding power of Netflix, everyone knows the media landscape keeps changing. Last week we found out that Shaw Media was bought out by Corus Entertainment. It’s not a secret, there’s a million articles online about it and it’s left me with such mixed feelings, I’m having trouble processing.

For about 5 years before I came to Shaw, I worked from contract to contract, it was so stressful not knowing if I was going to find anything long term/permanent, especially when I was buying a house, getting married, etc. But when I came to this company, I finally stopped worrying. The people were nice and welcoming and after a few months I gained in confidence, I began to feel at home. That feeling changed back in March when we went through a massive restructuring and my boss, who’d been with the company for 15 years was let go. To say I was shocked was an understatement. When I found out I went back to my desk and cried. I hadn’t even realized how strongly I felt about her or the company until it happened.

That was less than a year ago and things settled into a strange alternative new normal, admittedly there were some positive things about it. I’ve worked more closely with and gotten to know people better that I wouldn’t have otherwise. But the structure of the company wasn’t the same as it had been before and everyone knew it. It was palpable, you could feel it when you walked down the halls. So when we received news of the buyout last week I wasn’t totally surprised, it seemed unrealistic that we would continue to carry on the way we have been. But that said, the uncertainty is back. Everyone will have long months to wait to find out our fates.

I know in a way I’m lucky, I still have a job and potentially, I could still have one amidst this new structure. Not all people in media, especially lately, can say the same. And I also know that I could look for another job in a different industry and try a new approach. But to be totally honest, I don’t want to. I’m working in an industry I always wanted to with a lot of people I truly care about. Real friends, people that cared enough to think of me on each birthday and generously gave me gifts when I was pregnant with my daughter. I don’t like change, I’m realizing that more and more as I get older, but I also hate what I can’t control. There’s no list I can make, box I can check, extra hours I can work to change the situation and that’s incredibly frustrating.

I know change can be a good thing, maybe I’ll get to stay and have new opportunities I never imagined – maybe the new structure will be encouraging of their employees to move up within the company. Maybe.

Starting Again

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It’s been 3 years since I’ve updated this personal blog, I can’t believe it. I had to search my brain for the username and password to see if it still existed. I was thinking about the start of a new year and while I’m not really one to make resolutions, I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like to be. I’ve been reading Jenny Lawson’s first book “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and it reminded me that anyone can write, and while my stories might not be as colourful or as interesting as Jenny’s – I’d still like to try. I have a lot of excuses not to write: I work full time, I commute every day and I have a very sassy two year old daughter who keeps me running around. But writing has always been something I’ve tried to do for myself, so I’m going to try again.

When I was in the 6th grade we had to create bristol presentations of our dream jobs/what we wanted to be when we grew up. I remember very vividly the picture of the desk, chair, paper and pen I drew (apparently computer’s weren’t all the rage back then – this was pre-Internet people!) and my teacher asked me what I wanted to do if bring a writer didn’t work out (not very supportive of her, just saying). I didn’t have a clue. It didn’t even occur to me that I would have to do anything else. That’s the ignorant bliss of the 6th grade, you just kind of assume everything’s going to go your way.

Well, I’m not a famous writer. I’ve worked in television for the past 8 or so years. I’ve always been obsessed with television and movies, so I feel like I’ve done alright. I’ve even blogged for the Huffington Post Canada, Globaltv.com and Showcase.ca, which is still a pretty good thing. But still, I don’t consider myself a writer. It’s not my profession. I’ve never been paid any money for anything I’ve written. For some reason I think being paid for my writing would give me a sense of validation I’ve sought after for years.

But the other night I was laying with my daughter as she fell asleep and I wondered if it mattered. Maybe no one will read a single word of a single entry and that’s ok, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have to quantify it against anything if I enjoy doing it, right? So that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve dusted off this blog and I’m going to attempt to write a few entries a week for the rest of the year. Wish me luck!