Monthly Archives: February 2016

The Struggle for the Bright Side

Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m a happy enough person. Do I appreciate what I have? Try to see the positive side? Probably not enough. You work all week, and commute, by the time you eat and bathe your kid it’s shower time and bedtime for you as well. You yearn for the weekend but when it finally arrives, so do a new set of obligations: swimming lessons, groceries, and oh yeah, your house needs cleaning too.

I feel like I should always be spending more time with my daughter while simultaneously thinking I should be cleaning the house or doing 50 other things on my to do list that I’ve been ignoring for weeks. Maybe it’s a delicate balance, where sometimes you shirk your house responsibilities for a trip to the zoo or the park, and maybe sometimes you let Daddy/Daughter time reign and pull out the vacuum cleaner? It just feel like no matter what, one side of the equation is left neglected. Obviously the clear answer would be to hire a cleaning lady and absolve myself from all cleaning related stress and guilt, but alas, it’s just not financially feasible for us.

I try to remind myself that I have a house to clean, a child to spend time with and a partner who is a loving and supportive parent. Not everyone has those things. Then I feel guilty that I don’t appreciate what I have enough, and so the cycle goes.

But truth be told, when you’re child is screaming and crying so hard she can barely breathe because I asked her to put her toy bunny back in her toy bin, it’s hard to focus on the positive. The terrible two’s are real. Make no mistake. We’ve entered into a frustrating and tiring phase of whining and full out tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. I try to treat each situation with patience, but it can be wearing. I guess that’s parenting all over.

But when I check on her at night and see her little face, I’m reminded of all the good things. She is learning her days of the week, she’s potty trained, when she tells me I look pretty as I’m getting dressed in the morning.

It’s hard sometimes not to get caught up in the complaints – go train delays, financial woes, toddler tantrums and a constant yearning for a vacation. I’m sure I’ll lose the battle to see the bright side sometimes, but I’m going to try.

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Weighed Down by Weight

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I put a weird pressure on myself in regards to my weight. I’m not sure where it comes from. I was overweight all through my teens, so probably because of that. Those formative years! I go to the gym 4 days a week and do hot yoga on Sunday’s. If something happens that messes with that routine I get frustrated. If I miss a day (which I haven’t in a long time) I feel like I’ve failed in some way.

I’ve done Weight Watchers a few times and it works, but it can take a while. I grew up eating a lot of junk food with less and less physical activity as I got older. It wasn’t until my mid-20’s when I had some success with weight loss. I lost 45lbs and was SO happy. But after a few years the pounds started to creep on again. I went back on Weight Watchers, lost it all again and promptly got pregnant. After I had my daughter, I lost the 40lbs I’d gained and again, was pleased. It took about a year and a half so I was really pleased. This brings us to last fall, I had put 15 lbs back on. Annoying as fuck. I resumed Weight Watchers and a more vigorous gym schedule.

But after 5 months I’ve only lost 8lbs. I’ve hit a plateau I can’t get out of. I don’t measure inches lost only pounds, maybe that’s the problem. I do feel like I’ve been gaining some muscle and I can see it in certain places. But I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to stop weighing every week and gain more weight, but alternatively, do I travel my weight forever? I weigh myself often, and I try not to do it in front of my daughter. I think about how to approach the subject of weight when she’s older. I want her to be happy and healthy, and I hope with two physically active parents she’ll want to be active and/or involved in sports as well. I just want her to be happy.

I try to ask myself what, at this point in time, would make me happy with my body and I don’t know. I’m active and reasonably healthy. Is that the benchmark? How much food do I want to cut to lose the last 7 pounds and quite possibly feel miserable? Do I judge based on how my pants fit? The weight has been taking longer to lose and I’ve been gaining much faster as I age. I can’t seem to kick these last few pounds, but I admit I haven’t been trying as hard as I’ve previously done. Since Weight Watchers changed their program back in December I don’t feel as invested in it as I once did. But, it’s the only program I’ve ever done and it’s worked for me numerous times. But do I keep weight watching for the rest of my life? I don’t know how to leave behind a program and not gain weight. I’m stuck in a weird holding pattern but I’m not sure how to move forward. I just know that if I get on the scale and the number has gone up I feel awful. Maybe I’ll embrace the weight when I’m 80. 🙂

 

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The State of the World

I’ve been feeling kind of bummed out lately. I don’t know if it’s the dreary January/February stretch and don’t get me wrong, I was happy as a clam at the plus temperatures yesterday – but I think it’s more than that. Maybe I’m just focusing on the negative too much, but does the world seem…worse lately?

There are some crazy things happening that I can’t believe are real. Donald Trump is running for President. Like actually the President. No matter how many times I read that, I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m probably the least political person you’ll ever meet, but what’s upsetting is the lack of consideration for basic human life these days. From people like Trump who are promoting their brand of intolerance. Seriously, why can’t people have whatever religious affiliation they want? Or love who they want? It’s 2016 people. Live in the now! Life is way too short to be spending it hiding or pretending, there’s no time to be anyone except exactly who you are. Why can’t we just accept people as they are?

Then there’s the greed. So much inconceivable greed. A perfect example, what’s happening in Flint Michigan right now. How is it possible that in the richest country in the WORLD that ANYONE could not have access to clean drinking water? Yes, people are doing these things for the rich to get richer and the poor poorer – but how do these people (I’m looking at you, Mayor of Flint) sleep at night? How could you sacrifice the health and lives of others, just for a few extra bucks?

Maybe I’m naive, maybe I don’t understand things properly or maybe I simply don’t care about money so much that I’m willing to do immoral, horrible things to get it. But I just keep wondering what’s going to become of the world. I feel scared. I worry about what the future will be like for my daughter, and any other potential kids. What kind of world are we leaving them? And what can we do about it?